Forgiveness...

Being lied to, being cheated on, being abused, not caring enough … the list of reasons we don’t forgive someone goes on and on. Interestingly enough the same reasons that we use to withhold forgiveness from others are the same reasons we tend not to forgive ourselves.

Forgiveness is a tough concept for many people. Many people were raised in an environment where forgiveness was not easily given and when it was it was often conditional. By conditional I mean that “I will forgive you if…” Conditional forgiveness is not really forgiveness is it? If we are saying that we only forgive you if you make amends and the person does not make amends to our satisfaction then we feel justified in withholding our forgiveness.
Withholding forgiveness for some gives them a sense of power over the person they are not forgiving. We also believe that by withholding forgiveness that we are erecting a wall of protection from a person hurting us again in some way. We sometimes come to think if I don’t forgive you then you will never be able to get close enough to hurt me again. In the end this is truly an illusion for while we hold on to our anger, while we hold on to our hurt and we don’t forgive we choke on that anger, we poison ourselves with holding on to the hurt and rarely are we having a negative impact on the person we refuse to forgive.

We sometimes create an illusion of forgiveness when we say things like “I forgive you, however I will never forget!” Have you ever been on the receiving end of this statement? Did it feel like you were forgiven or did it feel like you simply were getting a stay of execution, a shot across the bow that stated you better watch out because although I am saying I forgive you I am tucking this away in my mental files and I may choose to use it to my advantage against you in the future? This does not sound like forgiveness to me. It goes without saying that we won’t forget what transpired; we rarely forget those things that have hurt us in some way. Forgiveness is not about forgetting the past; forgiveness is about loving ourselves and others enough to see beyond the imperfections that make up our journey.

Interestingly enough those who we withhold forgiveness from are not usually strangers to us, they are usually family members and close friends whom we care deeply about, whom we love. We tend to not forgive our parents, our children, our siblings, our spouses, etc for things they have done or not done which have had a negative impact on us. Sometimes our anger/hurt and refusal to extend forgiveness creates such a rift in our relationships that we be estranged from each other, not speaking for months or years, not being civil to each other over something that no longer matters and in many case probably did not matter much when it happened. Sometimes we are angry over something major that took place such as abuse and while we should never place ourselves back into an environment of abuse this does not mean that we cannot forgive the abuser. The following quote by Mark Twain illustrates this beautifully:

“Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.”

 
 
 
 
 
 
Love even while it is being trampled upon forgives. Love does not withhold forgiveness on conditions, nor does love not forgive as an act to try to punish another. To truly love is to truly forgive.

When you forgive you release a massive weight from your soul. The weight of unresolved anger and hurt contribute greatly to the ills of our society. Wars, murders, broken families, depression, numerous emotional and physical ailments and premature aging of our body are often a result of carrying the weight of not forgiving ourselves and others for the imperfections of the journey we are all partaking in.

Remember that to forgive others we must first forgive ourselves! We must let go of any anger, pain or regret that we hold against our own being in order to be able to forgive the other people in our life.